First Aid for First World Problems

By Kate Pehrson

Editor’s Note: Please allow us to introduce you to the vast, fertile and creative mind of Kate Pehrson. Kate will be contributing an occasional piece about movies; not so much movie reviews as about making sense of life through the movie lens. As an introduction, Kate wrote us all a poem. We do hope you enjoy.

 

There are times when I’m DONE with the news

Days I’m finally too bummed out and blue

Days I feel SO bad

I can’t handle more sad

I HAVE to find something to do

 

Cuz there’s Nazis and nincompoops on Television

And the environment should be everybody’s mission

But there’s war on the streets

And too damn many tweets

And we’ve gotten way too close to nuclear fission

 

So on days when I’m tossing and groanin’

Days I’m rockin’ in a corner at home and

I’m just DONE with all the dicks

I need medicine – stat! Quick!

And my prescription is here in this poem:

 

It’s MOVIES, my friends. Films. Talkies. Moving pictures.

Pop one of these in and call me in the morning. You’ll feel better.

How do I know? Because…..

 

There’s Moonstruck and Stripes

It Happened One Night

Hot Fuzz and Revenge of the Nerds

There’s Bridesmaids and Ted

And Shaun of the Dead

Monty Python’s Holy Grail is absurd

 

Caddyshack and Ghostbusters

Won’t ever lose luster

Stop my laughing? How dare you?! I’ll never!

Fletch and Lampoon’s Vacation

(GOD, that truckster station wagon!)

Down in history they all go, forever

 

To Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Or The Big Lebowski I doff

My hat to show respect to them both

There’s M*A*S*H* and Blues Brothers

Galaxy Quest SO MANY others

That have added to my personal growth

 

Miyazaki’s My Neighbor Totoro

Spirited Away and Porco Rosso

And of course, Kiki’s Delivery Service

If it’s not too much hassle

I’d like to request Howl’s Moving Castle

Without my Hayao at hand I get nervous!

 

If I’m feeling not all that great

I’ve got Star Trek, Wars and Gate

To take me so far far away

OR perhaps I want fantasy

Choose Marvel or choose DC

I don’t have the energy to say

 

When feeling monstrous I have del Toro’s

Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth or Cronos

To feed my real need for eye protein

Or else Constantine or Dark City

I think the dark side’s awfully pretty

You Goth lovers all know what I mean

 

Or perhaps I need Coppola

Who made Bram Stoker’s Dracula

Romantic and dark old-fashioned cinema

To him we owe thanks for The Godfather

(And for teaching his daughter)

And his wine sure goes great with my dinner!

For quotes I often use

(And some would say I abuse)

I can draw from Zoolander to Airplane

“I fart in your direction”

“It goes to Eleven”

And “I’ll never be hungry again!”

 

“Nobody’s Perfect!” “Hello Gorgeous!”

“I want my stapler!” “Where’s my precious?”

“I’ll have what she’s having”, most assuredly

“Toga! Toga!” “Attica! Attica!”

The horror, the horror!” or “Stelllllllllaaaaaa!

I’m serious, and don’t call me Shirley!

Princess Bride is so sweet

Full of quotes hard to beat

And a dream cast that’s quite unbelievable

Not just Mandy Patinkin

Was the only one thinkin’

That movie was most inconceivable

 

The Matchmaker is Irish

And when I’m feeling tirish

It always is up to the task

For a sick Kate you might also just

Put in Coraline or Stardust

If it’s Gaiman’s, just watch it – don’t ask

A Fish Called Wanda is splendid

Check out Jamie Lee! (all the men did)

And John Cleese is sexy speaking Russian

With Michael Palin, Kevin Kline

The script and movie are divine

About this film I simply c-c-can’t stop g-g-gushin!

 

I loved Blazing Saddles

Don’t call Mel Brooks addled

‘Cuz there’s no doubt he’s king of the laughs

Young Frankenstein and Spaceballs

The Producers and what all

He’s genius! And too clever by half

 

In Kingpin or Zombieland

On Groundhog Day or lost in Japan

You know that I speak of Bill Murray’s

Peter Venkman or Steve Zissou

Talent just is no issue

No doubt he’s my favorite, as always

Kevin Smith, he hates posers

But I liked Yoga Hosers

Don’t go hatin’ on all of his quirks

He wrote Dogma and I’m recallin’

He worked with George CARLIN

And none of you jerks directed Clerks!

And this one time at band camp

There was a flute (and likely a hand cramp)

A whole generation loved American Pie

For Bridesmaids you won’t need to drink

To shit your pants (but PLEASE not the sink)

I laughed so hard that I cried

Old Peter Sellers makes me howl

As Clouseau on the prowl

For that ever-elusive Pink Panther

Mrs Doubtfire and Aladdin

The King Fisher and Good Mornin’ Vietnam

Rest in Peace Robin Williams, and Thanks, sir

It’s alive It’s alive!

I swear – I’ll survive

This craziness and sickness matter-a-factually,

And when all this madness is endured

Our illness all cured

It will be time to all watch Love Actually.

 

Kate Pehrson regrets she couldn’t BEGIN to include all her favorite films in her poem, so she had to choose the ones that mostly rhymed. Mostly. Follow Kate at @K8Pehrson

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