EPL Week 28 – Arsenal Football Club: An Obituary

 

Arsenal Football Club: 1886-2018

Arsenal Football Club, affectionately known as “Gooner,” sadly passed away Thursday, March 1 with little to no family by its side. The death came after a week (although some would say several years) of utter disappointment and defeat, this time at the hands of the superior Manchester City Football Club, who really seemed to embrace the ‘Kick ‘em while they’re down’ mentality.

Sir John Chippendale Lindley Keswick

Founded in 1886, Arsenal fans would have you believe they were the working men’s club despite being chaired by Sir John Chippendale Lindley Keswick.

On their last day of existence, snow fell from the heavens and Arsenal prayed for one more day of respite from City, but the snow shovels came, and the freezing temperatures weren’t enough to stop City’s Leroy Sane from punishing Arsenal. Sane is now under investigation from Scotland Yard in connection with the aforementioned death.

A tough loss in the Carabao cup final was seemingly enough for online pundits to suggest Arsenal’s desperation would push them to a victory on Thursday night, but Petr Cech was unable to stop the bleeding that his defense started, and they ultimately fell to yet another 3-0 defeat.

Arsene Wenger: The man who killed Arsenal

The untimely death isn’t so much a result of being bad, but more a result of being incredibly stubborn. Arsene Wenger has seemingly come off the back of this fiasco unscathed, long coat still intact. But with the announcement that Arsenal’s profits fell by 60% earlier this week without Champions League football, he may well go down with the ship that he’s captained in to troubled waters.

Wenger has pushed this team to the limit. It was all well and good working with his tactics when players like Patrick Vieira and Tony Adams were in the side, but his refusal to adapt has shown the decline of Arsenal in real time, and he deserves the rage directed at him from the Arsenal support.

You can’t go from Tony Adams to Calum Chambers and expect the tried and tested method to work.

Arsenal have managed to lose more games in all competitions in 2018 than any other Premier League club. They’re actually closer to the bottom of the table than they are to the top.

In January, Arsenal were given an opportunity to improve their health by cutting out a “toxic” Alexis Sanchez and replacing him with a fresh Henrikh Mkhitaryan, but their efforts were fruitless.

Wenger’s only chance

Jose Mourinho called Arsene Wenger a “specialist in failure” when he was manager of Chelsea, and he’s been proven right. Despite a couple FA Cup winner’s medals and the ability to still attract some of the biggest names in European soccer, Wenger (and Arsenal) has continued to fail and slowly slip down the Premier League table since their last Premier League win in 2004. They’ve only been in the top three 6 times since then, and yet Arsene Wenger is still their manager.

Just as Jesus Christ did, Arsenal will be hoping to be resurrected on the third day when they face Brighton on Sunday, but the Arsenal Football Club that we know and love to laugh at are dead, making way for the cringe inducing embarrassment that we now have the pleasure of not watching weekly.

Without Wenger, there’s a big chance that they’ll return bigger and better, but they’re dead and buried with him.

May they rest in peace.

 

 

 

Ryan Oldham is a Manchester native and a lifelong supporter of Manchester United. He knows far more about English Premier League football than you do, and therefore was selected to write a weekly update on the most popular professional sports league in the world. Contact him at ryanoldhamntw@gmail.com

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